Fearing Fear

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Throughout my career and life, I have been asked about this word plenty of times – "fear". When offered to guest write a topic, I thought it would be apt as writing publicly has always been my fear. I have given lectures, keynotes, and share my life with friends often. But putting my thoughts out there to the internet? Do people care what I think? Have you seen the internet trolls? Help.

Nevertheless, here I am. And I am here to celebrate the inevitably of fear. I shall divide the topic loosely into two parts – Internal and External fear. Of course internalisation and externalisation are personal views and can be malleable depending on one's world view and philosophies of life.

Internal Fear

When I was in secondary school, I would spend my holidays playing street soccer (arguably everyday) and going to chalet with friends. Is that still a thing? I remember vividly a few of us would go ghost-hunting. We even bought a $32 floodlight (not torchlight mind you) to go to the Old Changi Hospital. One of us (thankfully not me) time travelled. And if you ask me for coffee one day, I have plenty of ghost stories for you.

Why did we do that knowing we would be confronted with nerve-biting, terror-crippling horror? Firstly, I always believe humans are backside-itchy animals. No, not your classmate who likes to scratch his butt and then smell his fingers. Have you not seen how the first few characters die off in an alien movie? Humans are born to be afraid. Humans are also born to be somewhat cowardly.

Hence secondly, humans love to confront fear. Internal fear is intrinsic, personal, and very relative.

Good Internal Fear

Have you encountered tough situations in your life? Got retrenched? Felt uncertain? Felt a sense of loss? Actually lost? Felt the need to fight back? Felt the urge to gain control? I have. Every. Single. Day.

Youngsters sometimes ask me for coffee as if I am some ancient relic for life advice. Hey, I believe I still can pull off the look of a pre-enlisted young man. The top word I always hear is "fear". Fear for the future. Fear for being uncertain in the society, et cetera.

People around my age? Fear for their jobs; standard of living; kids; stability. Typical generational stereotypical stuffs. This is, to me, good fear. I believe internal good fear is important. In fact, it is absolutely crucial. It signals the need for clarity. You sitting down with yourself or someone you trust to get some clarity. Not doomscrolling Tiktok. Not a new parent getting advice and assurance from irrelevant sources and comparing to 100 other families.

Fear stems from responsibility. I need to raise my kids well and hence I have to work and feed my family. I never knew how to parent nor had any good parental examples before I became a dad so I just need to make sure I do my best. I need to make sure my team gets paid, thus I have to make sure we keep producing good work and do less masturbatory BS.

Some want to work hard so that their parents can retire early. Some want to retire early themselves and then go do non-profit work for the less fortunate. Some just want to work hard and bring their loved ones out for a nice meal or holiday. Some have been doubted their entire life and now want to succeed to prove people wrong (I always argue that you should not live to prove people who doubt you wrong, but prove those who love you right).

One of the most common and ridiculous things I hear frequently is youngsters not wanting to apply to a good place to work or start something in fear of letting their parents and society and future workplace down. Bro, are you in a Condor Hero Kungfu drama? Is your mother Master Wugui? Go for it! What do you have to lose? People will talk anyway.

You need the fear. If you don't fear losing the game, you might very well lose it. Good internal fear is the fuel. Sorry for using current greenwashing jargon – the battery (read up lead-acid poisoning, you ignorant wokes). But you get the drift.

Bad Internal Fear

Gossip. Insecurity. Jealousy. Politics. Diva-ness. These exist all around us. I always have a disclaimer in my hiring ads – NO DIVAs. It has become somewhat of a joke because people will screenshot and laugh with me about it. I smile along but hey, have you ever wondered why I hate Divas? Yes, they are incorrigible big-headed jerks, but not because of that.

It is because they are, inadvertently or not, deeply insecure and selfish people. They compensate their insecurities by sowing gossip and bad vibes. They want to be the centre of attention, but act all caring and giving. And they want everyone to know that. Life is about them. Opinion is about them. Reality is fabricated around them. This, mind you, is trans-generational. People like to fault Gen Zs or youngsters about being this and that. Wait till you watch the boomer uncles fight at coffeeshops. Don't just take my word for it — go search on YouTube for two grown senseless blobs fight over a plastic chair, or maybe a cigarette.

Or perhaps you have been in a bad relationship. Your partner can't deal with his/her own insecurities. Checks your phone daily. Gets mad over nothing and everything. One touchy topic that I will get hate for is device addiction for young children. Many times adults just force it on the kid (I have even seen 3 month old babies watching a 13-inch iPad Pro FFS). It is not because the kids need to use the phones. Their necks can't even support themselves yet. It is really because the adults want to use their phones. Just count to ten and you will see the adult's device coming out.

Just admit it. You are FOMO. You want to doomscroll, not your kid. And the cycle begins. We have seen countless of incidents where kids scream and lose it because their devices get taken away. And we have a whole mental health crisis. Addiction leading to sexual exploitation and self-image issues. Oh don't get me started. Have you tried consuming in moderation instead of impulsively?

That is bad internal fear. It is regressive instead of progressive. Bad internal fear also breeds anger, envy, discord, etc. That is not because the situation or the other person really is such. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But the truth is the said person is unable to control their own emotions.

How do I know? I am prone to it, of course. Until my wife slaps me awake. The worst of all? The excuses will be "miscommunication" or "misunderstanding". There is no miscom or misun here babe. Your inability to control your insecurity is entirely on you, and no one else's. Don't force feed scorpions to vegans.

To thrive, survive, and progress, good internal fear pushes us forward out of necessity. Like a football player – if you fear losing your place in the first team, then you have to keep re-inventing and improving. There is no other way. Bad internal fear destroys healthy internal emotions, creates cracks in relationships, and then inculcates the usual habit of humans finding excuses to hide behind their lack.

To be continued in part 2...
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